Finding the joy in Christmas after treatment for bowel cancer

Bryony was diagnosed with stage 3  bowel cancer in August 2020. Since her treatment for bowel cancer the winter months bring up a mixture of feelings for her. Managing her emotional wellbeing and learning to appreciate the simpler things in life has become important to her.

I’m not sure if it’s the winter weather, my dad being poorly, my aunt dying earlier this year from a stroke or waiting to hear from the hospital about my annual test results, but I’m finding this festive season harder than usual.

I’ve finished my Christmas shopping and it’s all wrapped. I’m not currently planning on putting up Christmas decorations, but maybe my inner Grinch will disappear and some festive cheer will arrive soon.

By mid-summer every year I usually start to feel signs that I’m getting ‘the angst’. September is a hard time for my family. My brother died 15 years ago on his 30th birthday, making me my parents’ only child. It’s also the time of my annual follow up tests after my treatment for bowel cancer and when my anxiety peaks because I worry if I’m clear of cancer.

I had my blood test in August and I’m still waiting to hear from the hospital, although I do know no news is good news. My anxiety has been heightened even more this year because I thought I was having a colonoscopy (a procedure to look at the bowel with a camera) but I haven’t been invited to one, or to my annual CT scan yet. I know I’ve not been forgotten as I have the best medical team looking after me — though I still can’t shake the fear until I know I’m OK.

As a way to look after my emotional wellbeing I’m trying to practice mindfulness — keeping in the moment and just breathing. I keep a gratitude diary in my head and take time to look back at another year spent with the best of friends and my family.

Even though I’m experiencing difficult feelings, I do realise I’m lucky and I’m remembering the blessings that come with the festive season.

Every Christmas I drive down to Devon to see my parents and best friends. Bertie, my lovely labrador, gets spoilt and my mum attempts but fails to put a Christmas hat on her every year!

My favourite thing is watching my dad carve the turkey with Bertie standing behind him to make sure any turkey that ends up on the floor doesn’t stay there long.

This year my moment of joy will be giving Bertie her present — a massive inflatable tennis ball. I’m not sure the ball will last long but I do expect it’ll bring plenty of fun in the park.

After a long walk on Christmas Day and lunch, I’ll enjoy watching my dad and Bertie fast asleep next to each other in the living room. Mum and I will share a smile, feeling thankful for another year together as a family.

That’s what cancer does, it makes you grateful and you grab every moment of happiness.

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• Learn more about bowel cancer treatment